Thursday, October 30, 2008

Is green better?

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"

The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"

The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Go ahead!"

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Wrigley's Chewing Gum!

An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.
The American snapped his gum and said, 'You Australian folk eat the whole bread?'
The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, 'of course.'
The American blew a huge bubble. 'We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia'
The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.
The American persisted, 'D'ya eat jam with your bread?' Sighing, the Australian replied, 'of course.'
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, 'we don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, and then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia.
The Australian then asked, 'Do you have sex in the States?'
The American smiled and said 'Why of course we do.'
The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'
'We throw them away, of course!'
Now it was the Australians turn to smile.
'We don't. In Australia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States. Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?'

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Ahh food poisoning...

Ahh food poisoning...
when you are nothing more than a small child.
Bucket in front, arse on kharzi.
Feeling like you are going to implode.
The force of being sick only makes the shit flow faster and more terrifyingly.

Another horrific moment, coming back from my sisters 5 hour school rendition of Joseph and his technicolor dreamcoat, none of the toilets are open for public use and we have been sat on tiny primary school kid chairs. The kind that are just big enough for 5 year olds.
So with my stomach feeling like I've swallowed about 9 tattoo guns, I proceed to try and leg it home, only to shit self on the way.
Fortunatly I think I hid it well from the masses of family that had also joined us and blamed it all on food poisoning after cleaning my self up in the bathroom.
Having the next day off school to watch day time tv :)

Red licorice turns your poo red....with licorice bits in it.
And eating far too many sugar free polos will give you the shits for 4 days as my poor little sister found out in both cases.